A blog of creative and thoughtful writing. Author information at bottom of page. NOW WITH PICTURES

Thursday, July 3, 2014

I Break Up With My Girlfriend After Work One Night Without Telling Her About My Terminal Condition

A dank, moist night. I’m on the way home, trekking through smog or fog, past the park and dog shit that the plastic bags missed. Pissed that she didn’t answer my call again, and again she sent me to voicemail. Fog so thick it feels gooey--like phlegm that you can’t quite cough up: you get the gist. Stop in the park 'cause the mucous mist night got me breathing too hard on my jog. I fidget on the bench, pickin’ pimples till I feel the pus between my fingers burst and drain. A rustle in a bush behind me. I jump afraid, but it’s just a skunk. My mind jumped quick to the stank of the skunk, so I jumped back quick so he don’t spray me. He got a streak of white down his back like Trace, in her straight black hair, like that x-man Rogue, but from the movie not the comic ('cause I ain’t that nerdy). Back on the walk  and thought I’d drop by her place since I gotta pass it anyway. Feels worse now like growing mold if I stand still too long. I call her again to check she’s home and she picks up. “Hello?” Hey Trace, it’s me, thought I’d come and say hey and yell at you for ignoring me and maybe hit you around a bit. 

But I don’t say that. I wouldn’t do that. 

Instead, “I’m passing your place can we chat?” And I knock and you come out, face caked with makeup breath reeking like skunk secretion or vodka or jack or whatever you been drinkin. It’s fine it’s over though. That’s what you wanna say right? I don’t think you’re gonna ask me to stay for pork and beans or whatever Chuck the cock-block cheater made for you this mold-moist smoggy night. You’re drunk. Good night. I walk away and delete your digits, but save the pics you sent last night. Gross dank night and a soggy walk home. Get back to the dark apartment no one home except for me. They’re all out at a party or bar except for me. I’m here cutting up a loaf of moldy month-old bread. Why worry about sickness, though, with a tumor in my head? In a month or two I’m dead and they’re out partying and I’m here with my bread and bottom shelf booze in the end.

Drunk Thoughts On Love On A Winter Night

I’d just pounded back
A double and coke
When you asked me how I felt about love.
I was uncomfortably tipsy;
You were already drunk—
You spoke with a slur—
And weighed against me on the couch.
I poured another drink
When you asked me again,
But I couldn’t answer just there and then,
Because I didn’t know.
I didn’t know then
How I felt about love
Or even if I felt Love.
I didn’t know love until many years later—
You asked me once again
In memory how I felt
But I still couldn’t answer
Because you’re no longer here.

I remember that night, though,
At my now-ex-boyfriend’s party
In his slummy urban shack.
We spent the night
Losing ourselves to the night’s ice grace.
Remember when the snow fell
So hard on the tarmac
We moved inside from the fire
We’d set in the rusty trash can?
Remember that busted couch
Where we first traded names?
You laughed at mine for being
Too old for a younger guy.
I remember.
I remember you thought
You were too old for a younger guy like me—
I said I didn’t think
You were.

How did I feel about love
That first night?
I wondered then if I was too young.
I was in school, after all,
And there was distance
In both space and mind.
But maybe I was making excuses.
With your warmth beside me
The warmth of rum inside me,
We dozed and slumped together,
Your gelled hair crunched in my hands.
You fell asleep and left me
To think,
To feel,
And wonder
Whether love is real,
Whether what I felt was love,
And whether that was true.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Four Years Later: Alcohol and Drugs

I refuse to drink. I made that vow an incredibly long time ago, and I stick by it. Growing up, I've been around alcohol my whole life. I've seen the way it corrupts people and changes them, and I don't like it. Both of my parents are at the very least borderline alcoholics, but I suspect it could be considered full-fledged. It's gotten to the point where they drink and one can barely notice a change in the way they act. I don't want to be like my parents. I never have. I'm afraid that if I were to consume alcohol, I might get addicted, like them.
I remember the fear that I once had about drinking. My parents are still basically at the same point in their life, and unfortunately, even though all of their kids are now of college age, it still has a major effect on our lives. I know now that my fear came from experiencing my  parents, but I also now realize that my judgment on the use of alcohol reflected only my knowledge based on my family. I broke the oath that I made not even a year after originally writing this post. I was in a bad way, and a good friend offered me a drink, so I took it. Rum. It wasn't bad. It made me feel warm inside, and it didn't have any negative side effects. Soon after the first realization that it wasn't completely bad, I kept occasionally trying alcohol in small quantities. A little vodka with my roommate and a friend. An occasional beer. I found drinks I liked and those I didn't, and I realized that in moderation, there was nothing wrong with alcohol at all.
Why would I drink, anyway? I don't see any good reason to. It wouldn't make me happy. I don't want to forget anything. It could only cause me trouble. Sure, I go to a school where alcohol is pretty much the main feature, but I'm not going to be tempted to drink. Frankly, I'm pretty sure I'm more fun sober than most people I know drunk.
Drinking makes me happy when I'm in a social atmosphere. I've also found that drinking makes me feel good when I am upset. I enjoy getting drunk be it helps me escape this horribly overwhelming sense of responsibility I have. I'm not at H-SC anymore, and I don't socialize at Hollins because I'm only ever there twice a week, so I don't get to drink often. I do enjoy it, though. And it still hasn't caused trouble.
This post is seeming like more of a rant, but whatever. I just wont drink. Don't make fun of me for it. Don't try to pressure me to drink.
Drugs, I likewise refuse to touch. Why waste my life with them? I don't need something to make me happy or alter my thoughts. There have been times where I thought that might be easier, but not anymore. I have never tried any illegal drug. I've never had alcohol. This doesn't mean I don't try new things, it just means I don't like doing stupid things to my body.
I still feel the same way about drugs, but I'm also more lenient on my judgment of them. After all, if my opinion on alcohol changed so dramatically, couldn't my opinion on drugs? I actually support the legalization of marijuana right now, despite the fact that I don't want to try it, and I've often found myself considering what it would be like to use perception-altering drugs, but I still believe it would be a bad idea to try them.
One last thing, I don't really like being around people when they drink or use drugs. I don't care if you do it, though I'd prefer you didn't. Just don't do it around me. I think that's it. TTYL.
Here I am, talking to you later. My impressions have changed, as impressions are likely to do over time, and I am a different man than I was four years ago. I no longer mind being around people who are drinking, but I still prefer to avoid drug use. I do think that I am more open-minded now than I used to be, and I think that that is certainly something to behold. 

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Four Years Later: Marriage

People often ask me where I would like to get married, but they rarely ask if i would get married. and the answer is: I highly doubt it. I believe that marriage has become corrupted. Originally, it was a symbol of love between a man and a woman. It showed that they were together and their marriage bonded and unified their coupling. (2010)
I can't remember ever being asked about marriage, so I'm not entirely sure where I got the initial idea for that first statement. The truth, however, still stands that I currently do not like the idea or the concept of marriage. I still feel like marriage is a load of crap, and it sometimes irks me even more than it used to. Maybe I'm just getting older and grumpy. Who knows? (2014)
Nowadays, however, divorce is so common, that I have trouble finding reason why anyone would even want to get married in the first place. It's expensive, stressful, and if you divorce, it was all for naught. (2010)
Divorce is still pretty common. Half of the people I know come from broken households, and were either raised by one parent or the other, or they had to shift back-and-forth between the two camps. By biggest stresses in this event, as of late, however, is not the intrinsic pointlessness of the whole concept and ideal of marriage, but instead the effect that divorce has on children related to it. My sister is currently in the process of separating from her husband. She has her reasons for doing so, and while I will always support my sister, that doesn't mean that I always think that she is right. When I visit with her, I see the way her children act, and I know it can't be easy on them (this is my five-year-old neice and not-a-year-old nephew I'm talking about here, btw). My nephew, in particular, is too young to really be affected, but my neice is, and it makes me want to cry. I think that my brother-in-law is a good guy, and he makes a great father. I really think that he and my sister should not have gotten married, however. (2014)
Now gay marriage is causing loads of headaches for everyone. I want to make it perfectly clear that, although I do not support marriage, I do support equal rights for everyone, and that includes the right for homosexual couples to wed. Would I get married myself? Doubt it. But I have no problem with other people getting married. (2010)
Gay marriage has become legal in tons of states, and this is monumentally awesome, but there's still a long way to go before we actually see marriage equality in America. I still support equal rights, and I have even joined the Human Rights Campaign as a donating member/activist, just to help the cause. (2014)
I recognize that not everyone feels this way, and I assume that if I ever manage to have a guy fall head-over-heels in love with me, that he will eventually ask me to marry him. I will never ask, first off, because I don't believe that I would need the symbolic representation of love that is marriage, as long as the love is there. If the love represents itself, why use the marriage to represent it? (2010)
I have had a guy fall in love with me. We met a little over two years ago at a Christmas party, and got to chatting. Chatting became seeing each other, and then we started dating, and then we were just in love. Like me, he didn't really believe in marriage. He liked the idea of the symbolism of it all, though, and we discussed the idea of a hand-fasting ceremony. I was all for that idea, and eventually he even gave me a promise ring to wear. That was when things started getting weird for me, because I found out that while I was studying abroad, he had cheated on me. He confessed, but somehow, that cheapened the symbolic relevance of the ring. Still, it felt comfortable, and I wasn't the type to hold a grudge, so I forgave him. Eventually, we moved in together, and enjoyed a great summer together as a couple, but then things started to shift away, and we fell apart. Today, I am alone, and quite lonely, but I've also realized now that I know I've truly been in love, I would definitely marry for it. It doesn't make any logical sense to me why I would, but if the right partner asked, I would probably say yes. (2014)
If I love this entirely hypothetical guy back, then I will probably say yes, because if I love him, I will do things to make him happy. I don't think it would hurt to get married, I just don't really see the point. (2010)
Like I just said above, I don't really know why I would get married, but I do know, now, that I wouldn't be doing it just for him. A marriage--and indeed any relationship--cannot work if there is only one side trying to make the other side happy. Relationships are about relating with one-another, and connecting on a deep level. Or something. God that sounded cheesy... (2014)
Part of this explanation may be helpful if I include the fact that I am incredibly pessimistic about the existence of a guy that will love me. I know I haven't been at the game for too long, but I love easily. I don't hold back...ya know what? Love is a whole 'nother post on it's own. Long story short, I doubt I will ever find a guy that will love me. Therefore, no marriage. Problem solved. (2010)
Still a cynic, to this day, but I have definitely been proven wrong. I know that he loves me too, but we're both afraid of our feelings. I feel confident that we can work through our fears, though. So perhaps I'm not so much of a pessimist as I am disappointed with my past conditions. I associate my expectations for the future with the experience of my past and that keeps me from moving forward. I need to stop that. Stop! Bad, Walter! Move on, get a life, stop repressing, and get shit done. Anyway, that's that. Conclusion: Maybe marriage. Problem solved? Definitely not, but closer to a solution? Maybe. (2014)

Four Years Later: Coming Soon

Hello  readers,

I'm not entirely certain how many of you there are out there, and whether anyone has been reading anything I ever write. I can't imagine that anyone has stuck with it too long, which brings me to the reasoning behind this post. Originally, when I created WalterFM, it was meant to be a web-based journal the would log my ideas and impressions on various topics, such as alcohol and drug use, and marriage, and gay rights, etc. I removed those original posts (which dated back to 2010), so that I could transform this blog into a porfolio for my writing experience.

I've decided, though, that my writing experience and my impressions on life aren't exactly disconnected from one another. In fact, I thought it might be interested to see what I've done and how much I have changed in the past four years. I will soon be re-posting all of the old posts, un-edited, along with my current-day reaction to the way I felt about those topics in the past. This should be an interesting project, so I hope that you guys will enjoy it as much as I probably wont!