First Date

Location: The Mind of a typical 17 year-old during his first date. The stage can be made as extravagant or as simplistic as possible, with one exception: there must be some form of apparatus that serves as the "Controller". This could be as complicated as a mainframe computer with goggles and joysticks, or as simple as a Gameboy. 

Characters: Represent parts of the boy's psyche. They should dress in ways that reflect their personalities. The gender of the actor is flexible, but it should be remembered that they represent the psyche of a 17 year old male. (In the past, I have cast a female in the role of "Romeo", which had the interesting effect of making the idea of "love" more feminine. Feel free to play around with this.)

Confidence

(Pacing) Okay team, so here's the deal. We've got mere minutes before that girl out there expects us to ring the doorbell and take her out for the night of her life! So, are we ready?

Nerves

You know, if someone had just listened to me, then we wouldn't even be in this mess right now!

Romeo

Well I think it's simply wondrous that we're finally taking that fine young lady out on a date! We know how long we've liked her, after all!

Nerves

Look, Romeo, I understand how excited you've been--

Horn-dog

Actually, that was me, hehe...

Nerves

Regardless, I just think we should be careful, so that we don't have to deal with the embarrassment of

rejection!

Confidence

Oh, come on Nerves! Everything's gonna be fine! Have I ever steered us wrong?

Nerves

Um, yes, Confidence, yes you have! Do you remember last week at lunch when you told that hot girl from Biology that she should sleep with us?

Confidence

That wasn't me! That was Horn-dog over there...

Horn-dog

Guilty as charged!

Romance

Despite his shortcomings, I'm still glad Horn-dog here took the initiative to ask our fine lady out tonight! It's sooo romantic!

Horn-dog

Actually Romeo, I, err, I just asked her out so we could get in her pants...

Romeo

You're such a pig! Can't you see the romantic possibilities this night could have in store for us?

Horn-dog

I know ONE possibility that I can't wait for...haha!

Romeo

Why you disgusting...(He tries to hit Horn-dog, but Confidence steps in)

Confidence

You guys need to calm down! Nerves, I know it's not your thing, but I need you to take the controls there, walk us up to the door and ring the bell. My hands are kinda full...

Nerves

But...but...okay. I'll try... (He takes control while Confidence struggles to control the others. Nerves pushes the doorbell) I DID IT! (the others stop fighting and stare at him as he stands staring in fear) uh....uh....uh.... What do I say to her?!?!?!

Horn-dog

            (all rush to grab mic first. Horn-dog manages to get there first)

Hey, hot stuff! How about we skip dinner and go straight to dessert? (he stumbles backwards, as if slapped) Ow! Bitch!

Romeo

(taking up the controls) I'm sorry you had to hear that.  I thought I'd show you my worst first, so that from here on out, it'll only get better! (continues to mime conversation)

Horn-dog

Stupid Romeo......

Confidence

Nice save Romeo, and Horn-dog? Uh... nice try. Okay, Romeo, you've got control, take us back to the car.

Romeo

You're hand, Milady?

Nerves

Be careful, Romeo! Watch the steps! Don't catch her dress in the door of the car! OH! Don't catch yourself in the car door! Buckle up! Check your mirrors! Check--

Horn-dog

Nerves! Shut up! You're beginning to drive me crazy!

Nerves

Yeah, and you're not driving ME crazy? If it weren't for YOUR reckless actions, we wouldn't even be here right now!

Horn-dog

Yeah, and if we were playing by YOUR rules, we'd be back in our room playing World of Warcraft right now!

Nerves

At least we wouldn't be playing this dangerous game right now!

Confidence

Can you guys just NOT fight? Really?

Romeo

Pssssst....guys! I'm running out of romantic things to say! She's getting bored! Give me something interesting to talk about!

Horn-dog

Tell her how big our willy is!

Confidence and Nerves

DON'T!

Horn-dog

Ah, come on guys! Live a little! We could get laid tonight!

Romeo

(Stepping away from controls) Okay, look you swine! You can't talk like that! She is a sweet girl who deserves so much better than some horndog, and we're gonna give her better!

Horn-dog

Yeah, that's great and all, Romeo, but um, in this midst of all this romantic speech-making bull crap, did you ever happen to wonder who's driving the car, now that you aren't?

Nerves

(Screams and takes the controls) Idiot! You could've ruined us! (he talks into the mic) No...uh..no..don't, uh....worry. Everything is, uh...fine! So, do you like..World of Warcraft? (mimes conversation)

Horn-dog

Great, we're never gonna get to bed with him at the wheel! We're completely screwed....

Confidence

Oh, Come on! I have complete confidence in Nerves over there! He'll get us where we're going in his own way!

Horn-dog

You have confidence in everyone, moron. Hence your name? Duh?

Romeo

I hate to say this, Confidence, but Horn-dog's right. You really do trust in people too much. I mean, it's great and all that your confident, but you can take it to extremes...

Confidence

(unscathed) Well, I'm glad you feel confident enough to tell me that, Romeo! Good on you!

Horn-dog

Just punch him, Romeo...You know you want to!

Romeo

I am a lover, not a fighter.

Horn-dog

You're just a homo, Romeo. Admit it.

Romeo

UGGHH! How dare you! (Slaps Horn-dog across face)

Confidence

(pulls Romeo back) Gee, guys! Can't we work together? And Romeo, if you were more confident in your sexuality, it wouldn't bother you so much that you were a homosexual!

Romeo

BUT I'M NOT!!!!

Nerves

(Stepping away from the controls) Okay, guys....we're at the restaurant, but I can't handle another hour of talking to that girl! She doesn't like video games, Pokémon or TV! I'm totally out of my league with her!

Confidence

Nerves, calm down! I'll take it from here. Try to keep these two from killing each other while I'm gone, though, okay? (He takes the controls and mimes conversation)

Nerves

M-m-m-me? How can I keep them from-? Oh, man....

Horn-dog

But yeah, don't worry Romeo, I know you aren't gay....Now Nervy here on the other hand...

Nerves

W-w-w-what? I'm not g-g-g-gay!

Romeo

Don't worry, Nerves! I think it's cute that you're gay!

Nerves

But I'm not. I-I-I-I'm just not very, uh...self-confident.

Horn-dog

Oh, come now! Don't be modest! We see the way you drool after Confidence when you think no one's looking! You want him in bed with you! (Nerves starts to cry)

Romeo

Horn-dog! Is that ALL you ever think about? SEX?

Horn-dog

Um, yeah? Duh. What kind of question IS that? My name is HORN-DOG! What do you THINK I think about all day?

Confidence

(Leaving controls) Okay guys, so she's gone to the bathroom. I think we're doing rather well and.... (He notices Nerves crying, and Horn-dog and Romeo at each others' throats) Okay, that's it. I'm getting fed up with you guys! Horn-dog! Can't you get along with anyone!

Horn-dog

I can get along with that fine piece-a ass, if you let me!

Confidence

Unfortunately, It's the only choice I've got, so I'm putting you in control while I do crisis control here!

Horn-dog

            (Giggling maniacally, takes control and mimes conversation)

Confidence

Romeo, you okay now?

Romeo

As long as I don't have to deal with him I'll  be fine! Grrr... I don't know what it is, but he drives me crazy! He goes against everything I believe in!

Confidence

What can I say? It's in his character. We can't do much about that. What we can do, however, is try harder to put up with it, okay? (Romeo nods) Good. Now Nerves, what's wrong? Come on, why are you crying?

Nerves

It's nothing... Don't worry about it!

Confidence

Nerves, these tears aren't “nothing,” now come on! Tell me! What did Horn-dog say?

Nerves

He...he...he called me...gay...

Confidence

(Laughs) So?

Nerves

Oh, Confidence, I wish I could be as self-confident as you! (He hugs Confidence)

Horn-dog

(Leaves controls and sees Nerves and Confidence hugging) Told you!

Confidence

Why aren't you at the controls anymore?

Horn-dog

Oh? Oh, yeah. That. Yeah, I lost her. She ran off.

Confidence, Nerves, Romeo

WHAT!?!?!?!

Horn-dog

Yeah, I think I lost her somewhere between “I'd like to cultivate your garden” and “We could have sex in the elevator right now” (Romeo cries and runs off. Nerves goes after him. Confidence shakes his head)

Confidence

Mission failure guys, let's head home...(exits)

Horn-dog

What???? Come on guys!!! It was an honest mistake! I'll do her better next time! I mean IT! I'll do it better next time!

            (exits. LIGHTS)