Hiding Out

ELIZA, an elderly woman on the brink of 90 years of age, is filling a tea kettle with water from the faucet. At the tiny dining table, ELIZA’s husband, GABE, sits, face pressed to the newspaper that dominates the table. THOMAS, a young, college-aged man, sits opposite the old man, hungrily devouring a plate of eggs.

Eliza

Oh, Tommy! I’m so glad you’re back from school. You don’t know how hard it is for your father and I while you’re gone…

Gabe

What your Grandmother means, kiddo, is that we’re gettin’ on in years, and it’s hard to get shit done around the house with a strong pair of legs.

Thomas

(Through mouthfuls of egg) Yeah, sure…

Eliza

Tommy, dear, how do you like your tea?

Thomas

(Mumbles incomprehensibly)

Eliza

Okay, dear….

Gabe

Would ya look at this rubbish? (Folds over newspaper and shoves it at Thomas, who knocks his plate off the table)

Eliza

(Turns around at sound of plate hitting the floor) Oh, Thomas, dear! You’re back! How are you, my boy? (She shambles over to give him a hug)

Gabe

Dammit Lizzy, ya dumb bitch! Why don’t ya watch where you’re going? Knocking shit all around the kitchen…

Thomas

(Ignoring the spilled plate, and reading aloud from the paper) “Escaped Convict Still at Large: Police still on the lookout for this man…(He holds up paper, and we see there is a square cut out of it).

Eliza

Honey, I found a coupon for cat food in the paper this morning. I figured we could afford to get Tybalt some Fancy Feast this time around…

Thomas

I killed your cat on the way in.

Gabe

And the police can’t even find that damn murderer. There’s some rapist out in our neighborhood. They’re comin’ for me, I tell ya! Damn Nazi sons of bitches….

Eliza

(The tea kettle starts whistling) Oh! Tea’s on! (She turns to stove)

Thomas

I did it on purpose too. Fuckin’ cat tried to scratch me.

Gabe

Dammit, Lizzie, when’s that damn kid getting’ back with the milk?

Eliza

Gabriel, darling, who are you—Tommy! My sweet baby boy! You’re back! (She shambles over and gives THOMAS a big smooch on the cheek). How was the war, dear?

Gabe

Viet-fucking-nam! I tell ya, those bastards shoulda been nuked like the damn Japs.

Thomas

(Walks over to counter, and begins to pour milk into a cat dish) I twisted his little head till his neck snapped. Such a fragile creature.

Eliza

Aaron, dear (addressing THOMAS), where’s your brother Robert?

Thomas

He’s dead, Eliza. Like your cat.

Eliza

Oh dear.

Gabe

Yes, dear?

Eliza

Not you dear. I’m afraid I can’t find the cat.

Gabe

Oh, dear…

Eliza

Yes, dear?

Gabe

I believe the cat has run away

Thomas

Yeah. That’s it. Your cat ran off.

Eliza

Oh, Tommy! You’re here! Do you suppose you can take the cat for a walk?

Thomas

Walked right into my twisting hands…

Gabe

Hey, kiddo! I ever tell you the story ‘bout that guy I killed in the great war? (Thomas’s phone begins to buzz on the table) MOTHERFUCKING WITCHCRAFT! (He tips backward in his chair, and lies motionless on the floor).

Eliza

How do you like your tea dear?

Thomas

I think he’s still breathing…

Eliza

Though that’s a really rather silly sort of question to ask, considering we don’t have any tea here…

Thomas

Ya know, I could finish him off for ya. Get ya a nice lump of insurance for his rotting ass… (His phone continues to buzz)

Eliza

Here you go dear (She shambles to her husband, still lying motionless, and dumps a mug of water on him. He remains motionless.) Allen? Where’s your brother at? (Phone buzzes). Oh! He must be mowing the lawn.

Thomas

Lawnmower was how we got rid of your filthy dog, too. (He picks up the phone). What? (Pause) Yeah, of course. (Pause) Yeah, just picking on some old people. (Pause) Well, it’s my great grandma. (Pause) Alzhiemer's or dementia or something. (Pause) Yeah, it’s great. I think the old man just croaked…

Eliza

Tommy, did you feed the iguana today?

Thomas

Yeah, it’s a great place to hide out for now. (Pause). Yeah, don’t think they’ll get me here. (Pause). Yeah, see ya soon. (He hangs up phone).

Eliza

Aaron dear, go tell your brother that your granddad is taking his nap.

Thomas

Yeah, sure (He sits the bowl of milk beside GABE). Drink up. (He exits)

Eliza

(Starts petting the tea kettle) Oh Tybalt… It’s been so lonely around here since Tommy left for school, and Gabe went off to fight in the war. But I guess it’s just you and me now, little kitty!