Four Years Later: Gay

I am gay. As I've mentioned before, this is due to my sexual attraction to men. I just have zero desire to be with women in that manner. I'm afraid it may be because of the type of respect I have for them.

       Well, in the spirit of things changing over time.... I no longer consider myself gay. Sure, I still find more of an attraction toward men, but I've noticed that the attraction is actually still there for women as well...just not as often. I still have a lot of respect for women, and feminism has been the name of my game for the longest time now, but I'm still very awkward when it comes to approaching women.

Now onwards! Did I choose to be gay? NO. Did I choose to be honest to myself and others about it? yes. I came out during my senior year in High School. Most people didn't expect it. Some were hurt. most got over it. Yes, my parent's know. most of my family knows. My father's mother does NOT know, and frankly, I'd rather keep it that way. I think she would be happier NOT knowing, and as bad as it sounds, I think she will live easier if she dies without ever finding out.

        I think that my grandmother now has some sort of a clue about me, but I still haven't personally told her. I realize now that I've dug myself into a terrible hole, and that I should've come out to her with the rest of them. I want her to know, but I don't even know how to approach doing that. 

Some people think that being gay is a choice. It is not. I know first hand. If I had the option to be straight, I would be. I have surprised people before when I tell them that I hate being gay. Truth of the matter is, gay people don't get a lot of respect. I go to an entirely too-homophobic school where I have been threatened both directly and indirectly, have been pushed and spit at, been insulted almost daily, and have been vandalized.

        I don't know if I can even imagine where I would be in life now, if I was straight. I mean I have come to terms with whatever sexuality I seem to be, and I never allow that part of me to become an oppressive identifying in who I am, but there's no denying that it is a big part of who I am now. My sexuality has driven me politically and pushed me into being a better person so that I can serve as a good model for my apparent demographic. Also, every problem that I have ever encountered as a result of my sexuality has given me perspective and helped me grow and write. So, there are benefits, I suppose.

WHY WOULD I CHOOSE THAT?!?!

I would much rather be straight. To be accepted. To be able to be everything I SHOULD be for the girl I love (see blog post titled "Love"). I was raised for 17 years thinking that the feelings I have for men made me an abomination, and that no matter what I do, I would forever suffer for something I couldn't control. When I finally came into my self-realization, I decided to take control of my life. I decided to stop lying to myself and to others about who I am.

        I'm still in love, but it's no longer with a specific person, or with any specific thing. I love myself. I love life. I love the world. I love the concept of freedom and choice. I love love itself! I wish there was a person in my life to call my own, sure, but I'm sure that person will come along in his or her own time.

BEING GAY IS NOT A CHOICE!

It is a curse.

That is how I felt.

        Yeah, still not a choice. There is a choice, however, in how we handle dealing with our sexuality. I don't think that there is any singular way that we can handle the issues that people have with guys like me, but at the same time, I still don't see why sexuality should be an issue anyway.

I still feel like my life would be easier if I was straight. But it's not like i will ever have that option. AND if someone was ever to create a 'cure' for homosexuality, I wouldn't take it. For the first time in my life, I'm truly happy with who I am. Granted, I still hate myself every now-and-then, but at least I am honest with myself.

        I doubt my life would be any easier if I was straight, and I'm very sorry to say that I hate myself more now than I ever did before. Despite getting my life in a more conducive order, there are still so many elements out of my control, and they are problems that cause me more stress and worry than anything else I could possibly imagine having to handle. I am, however, still honest with myself, so there's that.